007: ADDICTION

One year back I woke up in a dark hole.

It was New Year’s Day, and I had no memory of how the night had ended.

The bedroom felt like it was filled with shadows, and I was the source.

I had a vague memory of screaming at someone. I saw a flash of myself, lying down on the street cobblestones. I had a memory of just wanting to sleep, in my drunken morning haze.

The disappointed look that I saw on my partner’s face told me that I had really screwed up, in this New Year’s Eve partying. But the disappointment emanating from him can never match my own capacity for self-loathing. No one’s can. But, lucky then, that I have also built up a capacity for self-love that runs just as deep as my self-loathing can be. To arrive at that self-love has taken years - my whole life - to come to. And I will tell you about that another time.

In this Dark Void Disco episode, I want to hold space for addiction, in different forms. Different substances. Different behaviors.

For me, the main substance was alcohol. And together with that, you can count coffee too. Not an unusal combo, in my culture. It is more unusual to leave them behind, I think.

During this last year, the year when I left alcohol behind, it so happened that I am no longer as drawn to coffee either. And as I think deeper about the roles that these substances have played in my life, I can understand why.

I started drinking coffee around the time when I was sixteen, as I started senior high, as my schedule got fuller, more demanding. I desperately was trying to find ways to stay awake during my morning lessons at school, because I didn’t sleep enough in the night, because I needed the night time to have, finally, after my filled schedule in the day, a moment for myself. And using that night time for sleep, was simply not an option.

So then coffee entered into my life, in the role of a holy grail of energy, to help kick-start me and push me into action, and get things done.

Stay awake.

Work.

Get through the class. Get through the day.

I’m still not entirely sure if it actually helps. I think it was more, at least for me, the myth created around it. The aura around the coffee, the cult of coffee, that drew me in. If it wasn’t the cups in parents’ and other adults’ hands, then the stylish take-away cups in the manicured hands of the tv-show heroine, strolling down the streets of New York, ready to seize the day in her fabulous heels. And later, at work, coffee was the binding agent, the liquid that flowed between me and my colleagues and connected us, during our obligatory, and appreciated, Swedish “fika” coffee breaks.

When it comes to alcohol, people say that that is also a binding liquid, helping people loosen inhibitions and open up more to each other. But actually, in my experience, this opening up that can happen while being tipsy or drunk is often followed by an agonizing shame that then proceeds to clam people shut even harder than they were before. So even if they open up in this drunken partying or moment of sharing the drinks, that doesn’t necessarily result in any prolonged openness, and sometimes it even shuts people up even tighter efter the liquid has left the system and the group.

My most joyful evenings of drinking were with people I already knew and trusted, who I was sharing a bottle of wine with. I guess they were the most joyful evenings because the thing that brought joy was our bond or our connection and care for each other, and it wasn’t really in that drink. Because that was kind of a, just a extra thing on top of the joy that we already had.

And with people that I would not usually socialize with anyway, the sudden openness caused by alcohol very seldom resulted in any real openness beyond that evening. Beyond the situation of drinking and sharing. And I often felt like, I was seduced into this sense of connection, this feeling of connectedness that existed for me in partying and drinking, and playing drinking games, particularly, as a student. And it was so much fun. And later on I have reflected on that I felt ofen like when we had these party evenings, and drinking, it almost felt like we were existing in more of a similar realm. That the openness that now everyone was exhibiting, was a kind of openness that I naturally felt that I had, even in other situations. And, when people had drunk a bit, and they also started to open up a bit, then they were more existing in a similar dimension to me, or how I felt. And that was such a relief, and joy, and finally we could just drop these everyday-masks of stoic faces and pretending to be serious, and we could just dance, and enjoy for a bit. Because, deep down, inside of me, I think I still have that, there is that side that is very carefree, and joyful and hopeful. I always had that. But with my memories of student parties, it felt like other people were called into that space.

While, then the memories of the day after the party was often a strange, nightmarish scenario of shame about this openness. I guess it’s another situation where you can consider these extremes of two opposites of a pole, and the balancing function that just has to happen between them. If we think of that drunken joy as the brightest light, then maybe the day after has to go into this deepest hole of darkness, of agonizing shame or sorrow. And I often felt, I can say that I always felt those extremes when I had drunk to such an extent that it was quite a lot, then the next day there was some kind of pain or melancholy accompanying the day.

Well. To get back to this fateful New Year’s Eve, one year ago.

(sigh)

To set the scene: I had been on a parental leave for almost one year and a half. And I was not great at appreciating that parental leave, because I was growing increasingly frustrated, wanting to get back to doing my own projects and things and having some space for myself. And my requirements for myself as a mother on her parental leave were nothing I could live up to. Because I couldn’t appreciate it, because I couldn’t allow myself any boundaries, any time for myself. And I was bursting at the seams, with this need to not feel that weight of responsibility for this new, precious life that I felt. And I was also probably in a kind of postpartum state, during those one and a half years, and also later on, because I only feel I have started to see a light on the other side of that tunnel during this, past half a year or so.

So in that evening, that was the very first evening that I would get to go out and party in, well, almost two years, since I didn’t drink during the pregnancy either.

And it was fun. It was carefree. And then it went too far.

Because I didn’t, give a- I didn’t care...and underlying that fun, and carefreeness, was my anger and frustration at how severely restricted my movement had been, and was, during my parental leave. And then, that frustration came out when those inhibitions were loosened.

And when we come home, I was yelling at my child that I just wanted to sleep, which I heard from my partner the next morning.

And then I wake up, in the bedroom, and feel these dark shadows of all of that pressure that has come out of me that I tried to push down. That anger, those frustrations, that I havent’ allowed myself to feel, express, even know about, because I’m supposed to only focus on the joy and the beauty of being a parent. I’m supposed to only appreciate this beautiful, miraculous event, that it also is.

And I was laying there, and I knew something had gone down but I didn’t remember. I could just watch those shadows swirling around me, the corners of the room. And I felt like a lightning had been stricken, a lightning strike in my life. A lightning in the tower of my life, that had crumbled the tower. And I was in the rubble. I was in the deepest darkest hole that I have ever been.

And somehow, in that, I felt that this was the best thing that could happen to me at this moment. And throughout that process, this whole last year, I have appreciated it, and the steps on the way. And it’s been difficult. It’s been like- it feels like- a process of crawling out of this deep hole.

But it’s quite a simple process, when you think about it. Because, if you start in that deep dark hole, it’s pretty clear to see where you want’ to go from there.

You’re going to climb.

And I was climbing. But I also tried to climb in a different way than with this forcing energy of the coffee. I tried to feel what this soil is actually about that I’m climbing up from. What these dark shadows that seemed to surround me, that seemed to come out of me, what they were about. And that’s a part of what this podcast then resulted in, is that process, that’s still ongoing and will continue onwards.

So that lightning strike, that came through alcohol, in a way, was a kind of blessing. And it brought a lot of clarity, for me.

After that party night, and waking up into those shadows, I didn’t have any urge to drink, or party through using alcohol. And I felt like - yeah, this might sound strange - but, I almost felt like not choosing to drink was a way of really respecting my inherent power. But, now I also had the choice, because I don’t feel an urge or need to drink. And earlier maybe I needed to, to learn things that I needed to learn through those experiences. So, my attempt with this episode is not to judge anyone else who is on a different place in their life, in their experiences. I think some journeys need to take their time until you come to that moment when you yourself feel that this is clear. Now is the shift. It’s gonna happen. And it is happening. And that’s how it felt for me. It was very clear.

That I was done with that.

And coffee...Beautiful, mythological cult of coffee. That I still do drink sometimes, but more seldom now. I think why alcohol and coffee are such a logical combination is because many times in my life, time periods where I was really pushing myself during the day, during the week, working hard, I also wanted to play hard. So the weekends I had to let loose. I needed to drink to balance out that pushing and working, that getting things done. I needed to be completely off the rails. I was so in control during the week. I was so rational during the week, that I had to be totally out of control, and irrational, create space for that, in the weekends.

And, to the idea of needing to create space for irrationality, I would like to add the need to escape into stories, into games, TV-shows or movies. When I was working full-time on the days, and had a lot of responsibility, I was really drawn to playing video games in my free time, and just, just playing. And, not having that responsibility on my shoulders during that activity, because it was all a play. Or maybe simply, testing out different roles. Because the roles I had available in my work were still restricting parts of me, and through games and stories we can play with other sides, other roles.

And I guess that this is also connected to the notion of the balancing function. That when there is a restriction during the week, you feel a need to break that restriction in whatever little way you can, and sometimes it is by splurging on the weekends. “Now I’m free, in these precious days. Now I can play through the night. Now I can be entertained. Escape into the world of these stories, and in so doing, create a break from the mundane, everyday reality.” And maybe these stories and games and worlds play a role in giving meaning. I think everyone is searching for a deeper meaning, a fuller life. And that is a very easy avenue. Something that we have available, at least in my culture. Something that is very encouraged, or widely spread. A way of living. A system, a structure. You work in the week. You have your time for work, and then you have the time for entertainment. Then you have the time to play, or take part in stories. Particularly if you’re doing a work that feels like a lot of pressure, or maybe it’s not exactly what you’d like to do with your time. Then the free time holds a different weight to it and you really feel a need to create something very different in that time, to escape into other realms. At least that’s how it was for me. And I don’t necessarily think of it as good or bad.

But there have been times in my life, when my need to escape through entertainment, whether through TV-shows or games, has evolved into a form of addiction. I just have to! I have to, have to take part in another story, have to start playing the next game! And I believe that this can be a very valuable signal, when you can notice what’s going on. When you feel really drawn to consume a type of stories or media, pay attention to what stories you feel drawn to. Because I think they can provide information about something deeper. Something moving inside of you. Something that your soul is longing for, and searching for, and wanting to experience.

In the end, what is addiction about if not feeling this urgent need to consume or experience something, to fulfill a need. So at the core of it, is the need, or the hole. The lack we’re trying to fill, in some way. And if we look a bit further, and from substances, or media consumption, we can look at behaviors, or social acivities. And for me, I also think that I have been addicted to love. Or, a certain experience of being in love, or this overwhelming, early time, when you feel that you’re kind of high from it, and you feel that you really need that other person who will give you that high. That experience. And in my twenties, when I was embarking on the experiment of just going with my emotions and seeing where that takes me, this was going on a lot. Well, if you combine that with a few unprocessed traumas, connected to wanting to be wanted and needed by others, wanting to feel safe, it’s quite understandable that that is the picture that emerges: This need for another. The need of another to hold a mirror to you. To show you that you are wanted and needed. But when it is taking the form of an addiction, you are trying to fill an emptiness inside of you that is no one else’s to fill than yours.

And, that’s not saying that we can’t have mutual support and help each other and support each other, but on the deepest level, I believe that it comes back to experiencing a fullness in yourself.

I don’t know if I have that, or if I ever will completely. But I know I’m in a better place than I was, and I’m aware of things I weren’t before.

And, I’m still not free from addiciton. I think, now my addiction has shifted, into work. I’ve always had those workaholic sides, but now that I don’t have that place to put my energy, that letting loose in the weekends, I kind of naturally channel it into sitting here in the evening, feeling a need to get these things out, to express them. Feeling a need to work on my expressions, or my craft. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, I just notice this tendency. Ijust notice it’s what my energy is doing. So, sometimes I just start my morning with taking a bath. To kind of try and create a natural way to balance out these workaholic-tendencies. I have to try and create some systems in place where I can let that energy find its other extreme, in not doing work, even when my mind is kind of urging me to go, and pushing me into getting things done.

No.

Today I will start with a bath.

This episode feels like a bit of a rambling, longer...well, I guess they are all kind of rambling but, I started this episode by writing down the first part of it, and then I had to play it free. I had to let my mouth express this thing the way it wanted to. And I hope that these examples could somehow, maybe, function as some kind of a surrogate space for other who have a harder time to speak those spaces into being. Maybe you can kind of connect to this space, and feel into something similar, or different, but related in your own life, in your own experience.

So I want to end this episode again with some kind of a gentle reminder that all these kind ofe experiences can have very important and illuminating sides to them that can be like guiding stars on a pathway towards something else. And we can never know where that road will end up because we haven’t walked it to the end yet. We’re only getting started.

Or, I guess you can sense where you are on your own road. But I feel like I’m only taking my very first steps. I’m only starting to see abit deeper. And I’m so curious to see how much further it goes. Where it goes. But I want to enjoy the process, respect the steps on the way and take one step at a time. One moment after the other.

Have fun.

And be accepting of your need to travel onwards, experiencing different sides, even when it comes in the form of a lightning strike in a tower.

There’s beauty there too.

And there’s going to be beauty in the journey up

from the rubble.