006: FAILURE

Fail.

Epic fail.

Face palm.

Based on the memes that I have seen, failure is something that people really like to give their opinion on, judge others, share and laugh about.

In addition to these memes, I have started to notice more and more people include failure as a kind of stepping stone to reach success. For example, in the quote “Failure is the road to success”, or, emphasizing the role of failure in learning.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I notice my mind taking in these sayings and then quickly trying to shift my attention from my failures to just overwriting it as a path to success. Almost like I’m trying to paste on a sticker that says “SUCCESS” with big, bold letters, onto the failure, and in so doing trying to hide it, push it down, and remake it into a success, without first taking the time to see the failure for what it also is, simply: a failure.

But when I say failure, what do I even mean with that?

In this episode, I want to discuss the concept of failure and look at it from different angles, through the experiences of my life.

Maybe you can connect them back to your own life or, compare my findings with your own experiences and your own views of what constitutes success and failure in your own life.

If you want to experience deep and paradoxical dimensions of failure, I can recommend becoming a parent. Many times my parenting experiences are accompanied by the sense that, whatever I do, I’m failing somehow. If I try to be strict and impose some rules, in the best interest of my child (sigh) I am met by screams, and, I’m clearly failing in my child’s eyes, quite often. On the other hand, if I would not try to set any boundaries at all, I know that I would fail, in my responsibility as a parent. I would be failing in my job as a parent, in helping my child navigate this strange, vast world, in the best of my ability.

This realization about the difference between my child’s and my own views about when I am failing at being a “good parent” for example, makes me wonder how much our view of what consitutes failure and success is reliant upon external view points, and how our own view can be very different from other people’s views or the norms and ideals of society at large.

I used to think that I failed at relationships, because I have experienced many of them, with most of them ending. So, does this mean that I equate endings with failures, because, I equated my ending relationships with being failing relationships. Or, am I just living my life out of the narrative, where the only successful relationship is the one that lasts...forever. When I reframed my experiences of relationships instead as, being successful at experiencing many different dynamics, and having opportunities to share and learn with different people over the course of my life, it was easier for me to value these past experiences, regardless of whether the relationship ended or not, or just changed shape.

When I was working as a cleaner, cleaning people’s homes, I learned very clearly to see a difference between other people’s and my own views of what constitutes a failure. It also showed me, that I can’t quite escape from others’ views. They will come in, seep into my own world view. Even if they differ from my own, I will get affected by it.

When I started working as a cleaner, I had just finished my Bachelor’s in Media Arts, Aesthetics and Narration, and I felt FED UP with studying. I was so tired of it. I had started university studies right after high school, which means, I had been existing in educational institutions my whole life. And I love learning, I loved studying. I really did. But after my bachelor’s thesis was handed in, I wanted a change. I wanted to experience something totally different. Instead of having to fill my head with the contents decided by the school, I wanted to have some space to think. So I only applied for manual jobs. For me, the cleaning job, at that moment in time, felt like a success, because it was exactly what I wanted and needed at that moment.

Instead of sitting in full classrooms I got to experience sweet solitude, while cleaning people’s homes. Sometimes, listening to music. Sometimes, singing out loud. Sometimes, just being in silence, and feeling the different types of silences in different types of homes.

I loved being a cleaner, for that period of time. But I noticed that my boyfriend at the time did not seem to be particularly proud of having a girlfriend who worked as a house cleaner. My personal sense of success clashed with his view of success. He was studying so that he didn’t need to do a “manual, boring job”. And I was cleaning to experience just that. To have space to breathe, before continuing on my journey. Our relationship didn’t last very long after that. Not only because of this perspective difference. I think we were simply aiming our lives in different directions, so we couldn’t travel together anymore. And that didn’t mean that the whole relationship had been a failure.

After eight months of cleaning, I got bored, and started to want to fill my head with stuff again, so I continued my studies, and started a Master’s program, to the visible relief of my father. I don’t blame him, I’ve learned enough about the paradoxical parental pressures. He wanted me to do something where I could use my talents better, but he also tried to be supportive of me making my own choices. And yet, at all our phone calls while I was working as a cleaner, I could hear between the lines, the, just, pure wondering, of him just wondering, “Why is she doing this? Why isn’t she applying for an academic job or something more prestigious?” And those feelings, those energies, seeped into me over time as well.

We can never escape from other people’s views of us. And I don’t think we should. I think the trick is to develop as deep and strong a connection with yourself that, at the core, you can have your own back, and your own direction, and connect to your own deeper, inner knowing of - you know what’s right for you, and you can go for that, regardless of whatever someone else says. And if you have that deep knowing, you can also take in other people’s views and allow for the space for that, and see where they’re coming from. I don’t succeed in this always, but I’m trying. I’m still learning, every day.

I’m taking part in the dance of failure and success daily. Being the parent of a small child is a dynamic time. So is a life, where the goal is to keep learning, and keep looking deeper. Because that’s where the transformation lies. And I’m all about that transformation.

I was a perfectionist for most of my life, but back then, I didn’t publish a lot of things. Was I a failure because I didn’t publish? Am I more of a success now, as I have embarked upon this journey of sharing my stories and what I have learned, even though my expression of it might have its flaws?

When I learned to play the piano in the music institute as a child, I also learned, that I had to sit completely still, with a straight back, and play the notes correctly. I attended yearly exams, where I had to play without making mistakes. Couldn’t fail. I had to pass. Succeed. And now later, as I have gone back to music, I have to retrace my steps, and deprogram, or reprogram that robotic, musical perfectionism, because what I most want to do now, is to create expressions - to express - with soul, with authenticity, vulnerability, emotion. Rawness.

So, in a way, this technical perfectionism that I learned, is actually a failure, at expressing with heart, and letting yourself be swept away into the music, instead of simply trying to tame it, control it...

But, as you probably know by now...Landing in any one of these polarities is also a kind of failure. If I had not experienced that way of playing music, I might not have understood just how wonderful it is when you just feel it, let yourself flow with it, let the music flow through you, or you through it. With it.

And, of course I am grateful for that foundaiton of music theory that I have with me now. But sometimes I wonder, could I have gotten that foundation while at the same time also learned from the start to flow with the music, and play, maybe imperfectly, but with emotion and soul?

I don’t know. My life path is as it is. It was as it was.

And now I’m in a different place.

And I’m grateful for learning the perspective of good enough, instead of that perfectionism that I have had, that is still kind of deeply ingrained in me.

Because of the “good enough-perspective”, I can just finally let things out into the world. And I think that’s good. I think that’s right for me. Then I have that perfectionistic voice, who is trying to balance it out, and make sure that I’m not getting too comfortable with what I do. So, I’m dancing with those sides as well.

In the end, of course, I don’t think that those “cheeesy quotes” of failure being a stepping stone to success are wrong. I don’t think that’s bad. Of course failure and success are intertwined. How could they not be? My only issue with those quotes is the tendency to rush on, past the discomfort of a failure, without stopping to actually experience it.

Sometimes I wonder if this view and these quotes of failure being the road to success isn’t also a result of our fast-paced, productivity-focused culture? Those quotes seem to say: “Failure is fine, but only if it leads to success. So d-don’t stop here now! Don’t focus on this failure here, move on! Move on, and create the success, now!”

But I want to also show respect for that experience of failure, like “Huh, this feels off. This doesn’t feel good. I failed.” To sit there, and really learn and soak in what you can learn from the experience. And I haven’t done that. I’ve tried to brush past the experience really fast, because it’s uncomfortable to face. But when you can face it, you can also learn, on a much deeper level.

So....yeah. I say that, it doesn’t have to be so simple and binary. Because these words describe a range of human experiences, all with their own value, even the experience of experiencing failure.

A thought experiment I sometimes like to do is consider: “How could this success be perceived as a failure? And this failure? How could it be viewed as a success?” That way, I get to sit in it for a moment, feeling it, savouring the experience of it. Appreciating the ambiguity of life, for just a moment. Turning it around. Viewing it from different angles. And after that, I can continue my journey, take with me what I’ve learned, the new perspectives, and continue onwards, on the road towards success. Or failure.

If you can appreciate both ends of the spectrum you will enjoy the journey, no matter the result. And what is that, if not a measure of success?

It doesn’t need to be entangled into a grand goal, a big result, but it can be, if you want it to.

Ultimately, the only person who knows if you’re successful or not, is you.

The only person who even knows what these words mean to you, is you.

How does a failure feel in your body?

When do you feel like you’ve failed?

And how does success feel?

What is a success for you?

For me, I learned to recognize the nagging feeling deep inside, when I knew that my actions were not aligning with my values. A pushing from inside, from my soul, urging me to change direction. So for me, not listening to that nudging from inside is a failure.

And yet, as I’m saying that, I also feel that that is slightly off the point. Of course.

This is one of those cases, where there exists a paradox again.

Over time, I almost feel like the more I failed in my life, in different ways, the less I managed to live up to my own expectations: the kinder I was able to be, both to myself, and to others.

In contrast to memes that attempt to build bonds between people by laughing at someone else’s perceived failures, I believe that experiencing failures firsthand is actually a way that we develop empathy and acceptance, for others, and ourselves, if we manage to process those feelings that come up, in that experience of failure. Failures add to your life experiences. And if you have a broad range of experiences to draw from, it is easier to understand where other people are coming from.

(Sigh).

I guess I have to be one of those cheesy people that says, that failure is a pathway towards deep learning. Failure, the feeling of failure, provides you with valuable feedback, of something in your life, that you feel is not as it should be, or something you are doing that you feel you would rather not (do). Or maybe even just a subtle direction change, or big shift, that is looking to happen through you.

So when you feel that feeling of failure, however that feels to you, stop for a moment and take notice. Try to listen to what it wants to tell you, so that you can learn from it.

Enjoy the ride.