003: ALIENATION

In this episode I will do something a bit different. First, I’ll start with a segment called Sitting With My Shadows. Which is basically me just expressing what I fear and am worried about at this moment, and with this whole podcast or project that I started.

I have a fear that this is all just my own individual ramblings coming from a very subjective, personal space, that hold no value for anyone else because it’s so tied to me, my life, my person. And maybe expressing it and letting it out into the world will do more harm than good. Maybe instead of creating the space that I hope for, where things can be expressed that need to be expressed, maybe I’m just creating more darkness by letting it come out. Maybe I’m just make things worse. What if we should just dance on in joy and in light? These are the fears that I feel while I’m doing this. But, while I say those things, I can feel that while it maybe holds some sides to it that are true, it’s not the whole truth. And it’s not what I need. And maybe, surely, this space and this podcast is not for everyone. And while there are people who benefit from a different approach, and letting things be, I can feel that there are people who need to go deep, and who need to bring things up into the light. I can feel it because I’m one of them. And I do need this space.

So, going forward, I’m not even going to attempt to make this project into something that is generalizable or open for everyone, because it’s not. It’s not supposed to be. It is open, and it is meant for those who need it. Who get value from it. I trust that you are able to feel for yourself whether that’s you or not.

Yeah.

Okay. So, now that we have allowed these shadows to come up and take their seat at the table I’m also gonna give a little introduction to this episode because it’s a bit different. I was laying down in my bath and I started feeling a flow of thoughts and ideas that wanted to be expressed that wouldn’t leave me alone until I just recorded them. And I decided to record it in the bath. And now, afterwards, of course, again these shadows in me, these fears are coming up and feeling like this is all such weird ramblings and it’s all very pointless. But, it’s also not. And this podcast isn’t the place to go if you want to have very coherent and reaserched, rational arguments. It’s a place to go to kind of flow with it and flow with some thoughts, feelings and sensations, and maybe feel into it in yourself, how you relate to it. I’m not gonna give you any, maybe, clear advice and answers, it’s a space to float, to flow, and be. And let it all be. There are times when it will go into more specifics. I am still a person who has their opinions and they will color whatever I say. I will filter things. And that’s fine, that’s a part of a human existence. And in this space I guess the attempt is to allow that, allow that experience to have its space. And also dance around with the opposites and contradictions, and compare these human dramas to a deeper perspective.

This is a process of unfolding. Let’s call it a spontaneous and experimental dance. So, with that, I’ll share now my bathtub contemplations with you.

Alienated was what I felt, when I entered the adult realm, or at least, when I opened the door and perceived a world that were built on concepts that I couldn’t relate to and that were not in line with my values. We are often presented with the view of “these young people, being all careless and nihilistic, and their alienation being some kind of a measure of immaturity. Because they need to “get with the program”. They need to step up and become adults, continuing existing in the world that has been created for them and furthering it on. But sometimes, alination is the most sensible feeling. Feeling alienated is very sensible, when you encounter a world that is not in line with your values. And when you stay, and rest in this feeling of alienation, when you accept this dissonance. The difference, the contrast between how the world appears to be, and how it could be, it’s the first step to actually being able to do something different.

If we deny our first moment of discomfort and alienation and try to push it aside, try to fit in, we’ll have it bursting out sooner or later. So, my suggestion as always, is to create space to stay in this alienation, in this dissonance, to feel it and to fully embrace it and feel what it’s about. And then, after being in this mess, in this dissonant experience, in this discomfort with not fitting in with the world around you, you can start to carve out a space. You can find spaces that are in resonance with you, when you first know what are not. You can make resonance.

I felt like an alien when I was a teenager. It was a running joke between me and my friends, when I was 16-19. I just related to that image. Is it an archetype? The alien, or the other. I just felt like I came from somewhere else and just landed on this strange planet. I’ve gone through periods of time where I tried to become mature, and be an adult in the way that was presented to me from the external world. And it can be an interesting little game to play for a while. But I’ve come to accept that, while I want to be in touch with the world and understand different aspects, perceive it through different perspectives, I think that my role is to be the outsider. My role is to stay in these inbetween spaces so that I can offer a way to be where you can view the world through both views, or different views. Different angles. And there’s something about this that, this is what the void space symbolizes for me. The void is space is a nothingness but it’s also an everythingness. All-encompassing, but at the same time not, because it’s like, if you imagine the void it’s kind of permeating everything, but it’s also inbetween, in all the spaces inbetween, so it’s not fully inhabiting anything. But at the same time it is. Another paradox, I guess.

This void space is my home. It is my home. From the void space I can view different realms. Both the human realm, and other realms. From the void space I can try to bring forth a message of acknowledging the shared spaces that exist between all our constructions of opposites. The spectrum of it all.

The void is what I have come to understand as the nothingness that is essential for everything to exist. But when I was a teenager, and when I felt like I was an alien, I did have a lot of preconceived notions of my own. And I did attach to one side of the spectrum, or I chose one end of the polarity. But I often oscillated between them. I chose one side: I wanted to be only in my dreams, in my imagination and deny rational thought. Deny the value of also observing the world from an objective perspective. I was all for the subjective, personal, intimate. I was very proud of my own person and I was really trying to create a style: underground, punk, you get the picture. But even while doing that I played around. I chose white as my signature color instead of black. I had a hot pink t-shirt with, what’s his name, the square pants cartoon figure [spongebob square pants]. Just for fun. I wanted to add play and spices of light into the darkness, already back then.

And I did appreciate playing the character of the very mature and responsible adult. As a teacher, my role was to take a step back so that my students’ learning could be in the forefront. It was an act of service. And that was also beautiful and right. And now I’m trying to respect both ot these sides of myself so that I can approach the world as a whole person, as everything I am. And sometimes, nothing. Sometimes in stillness. Or in a depressive state. Connecting to the notion that nothing matters.

I’m still oscillating between, and I will probably keep doing so. But the frequency is growing closer together. I can be in the nothingness, only to be awakened into the everythingness, the beauty of life, just a few minutes later. Back and forth. It’s a movement, it’s a dance. I guess that’s the way that both polarities can maintain their own worth. They are existing in the right place, in their own space, in their own right, and they should. Because, when they do, there is a space between them. They don’t need to blend. They don’t need to deny each other. They don’t need to take over the other, because if they did, what value would they have? If there wasn’t the opposite to define or relate to them.

I feel that I’m just saying the same thing that I have read or taken in from other sources, for example, one of my favorite works of an older life philosophy, Tao te Ching. But maybe this is something that deserves being repeated in different ways. Because the language is a slippery fish. It’s a little dancer, who dances inbetween our concepts and constructs and sometimes it builds them up into beautiful, glistening towers; and sometimes they crumble down and get crushed, as they should be. My language and words are always only attempts to define the undefinable. That’s fine. It’s interesting. And that’s how it should be with these paradoxes. Allow them to be paradoxes. Maybe my attempts to define or just describe are futile, maybe they are pointless in a way. But they’re also not. They can be both, at the same time.

I’m sitting in the bath while I’m recording this, and maybe I have to record it again or try to clean it out, but these were some thougts and notions and sensations that came to me in the bath, and I felt like I could only try to capture them (sigh) or hold them in my palm for a moment, while being in this state.

The bath water has a shape, but it’s also shapeless. It forms itself around me. It doesn’t take me over, but it also does. Much like the void. In the bath I often feel like this water gives me a doorway. It opens a portal to these spaces inbetween, so that they can be heard more easily. It is also a little bit of an inbetween space and shielded from the external world. The bathroom is a private space. For just being and letting your body relax. The bathroom is also a space for doing our very most basic needs. The bathroom holds these opposites. The dirt. And the cleaning. But I always feel like the bath cleans me in other ways than just the physical. Into the bath water I let go of my excessive mind’s hold, and let it flow into the water. Let the thoughts and emotions dissolve a bit, and become nothing, floating in everything.

I invite you to float with me, and consider your own relation to Alienation, or, the opposites, in your life.

What do you value? What do you attach to?

What do you take on as qualities to attain, qualities worth inhabiting?

And what repells you? What do you find yourself feeling alienated from?

Let it all come, and be with you now. Let it all float around you in the void. It all exists. It all holds its own worth. And it’s all related to each other.

You can exist in the void for a moment, to observe everything. But as humans, we are creatures that are living in the world of everything. We are physical creatures with thoughts and emotions and habits and activities. And it’s not wrong to choose your values. It’s not wrong to choose one side to focus on. I think we need to do that, because we have a concrete shape that needs concrete actions.

But the concrete needs also need the opposite: Dreams. Floating. Dancing. The void.

Thank you for joining me for this week’s dance.

Dance on, dear human.

Dance on.